The Step-Family Identity

One aspect of being a blended family is that you'll never have the "ideal"/original family type (two parents, kids, no ex-spouses or ex-in-laws involved) unless all exes are out of the picture. Even though that might be ideal for you, the kids are better off in the long run if they are involved with their other parent. Family identity is not something I thought about much before we married, but as the years went by with me waiting for the ideal family to emerge, I thought more often about what would make me happier and a big part of it was wanting to feel like one family even though in many ways we'll always be two. I've spent many envious moments eyeing the local "nuclear" families wishing mine could have worked... but what I've got isn't one. SO... that being said, what you need to do is create your own new family identity.

In order to mesh as a family and create an identity as one, what you choose to be your new family traditions becomes important. Incorporating traditions of your former family is fine, as long you create new ones unique to your new family also. The most significant tradition my husband and I created was to go to a Christmas tree farm every December as a family, choose a tree everyone agrees on, and let all the kids take turns sawing the tree down. They have loved this even in their teen years. Our ex-spouses use fake trees every year, so this is unique to our new family.

Eating dinner together at the table on a regular basis will help bond the family, and having particular family dinners that everyone likes can add a unique aspect to your new family as well. My step-children found some of my cooking to be well to their liking, with things their mother didn't cook, and my husband cooks French toast that one of my sons thinks is absolutely to die for. Also, anytime I try a new recipe that everyone likes, it becomes unique to our new family.

Inside family jokes and humorous experiences also help create a family identity. Our family members all have an extraordinary sense of humor (Thank God... I don't know how we'd have made it this far otherwise). Personality quirks, fears, and obsessions open the door for many memories over the years. One of my sons had alien-phobia from the ages of 3 to about 13, opening the door for pranks, practical jokes, and funny experiences. My step-daughter with Downs Syndrome dropped her fork during dinner about 6 years ago and leaned down and asked the fork, "You all right?" My sons have never forgotten that. She also argues with her Barbie dolls frequently and just recently told Barbie, "You're not the boss of me." We all enjoy eavesdropping on her Barbie conversations.

It has taken me many years to fully realize and accept that our family identity will never be as ideal as I wish it could be. We'll always be two families in many ways, my husband spending weekends at his daughter's bowling and baseball games and babysitting his granddaughter, me spending my weekends at my sons' various sports events. Once in a blue moon, there will be no weekends demands and we may take off camping all together (another tradition our kids don't have with their other parents), but mostly we attend our kids' events without each other due to conflicting activities.

With traditions and memories as a family, the times when you hardly see one another and the times when it seems like no one is getting along will feel more like "normal" aspects of a family rather than reasons not to be a family at all.

So be creative! Come up with your own new stuff unique to your new family.